You can’t possibly tell the person who carried you around for 9 months, who endured labor pain for you, who raised you, who spent thousands and thousands of dollars on you, who bought you that doll you saw at the store when you were young and really liked, who bought you that brand new car you wanted when you graduated high school, who gave you a life that other kids could only dream of, that person, that incredible woman whose place no one could possibly take, the person who has supported you your whole life, and the only person who demonstrates true unconditional love for you; you can’t just tell that person to leave you alone, or that you need space.
What space!? I’m sure she wanted space when I was rapidly growing inside of her…But it’s just time for me to have some independence. By independence I mean doing my own laundry or not having to see my mother every day…maybe 1 text message per hour instead of 30…something alone those lines.
“You’re gonna miss me when you leave!!”
“You’re gonna miss my cooking!!!”
“You’re gonna miss your room being clean all the time!!”
Yes.. I will miss all those things. But I kind of want to? I want to grow up mom, but I don’t wanna hurt your feelings Mama.
I’m going off to college soon, and I thought I had made the right decision by deciding to attend state public school and taking advantage of my full scholarship/reserved spot in medical school plus living stipend, but maybe I should have gone to California and paid $60,000 a year, maybe it would have been worth it to not hear about how you are going to come visit me every weekend.
No…not worth it, but still.
As my move in date is approaching, my mom keeps talking about how she is going to come stay at her house in the city where my university is, just so that I can stay with her the whole time she’s there. I mean, I wouldn’t mind doing it every once in a while, but the first weekend I’m there!? I was planning on going to a concert…but dinner and a movie with you and dad sounds great too.
“You don’t wanna see us…?” She says sadly when I am not ecstatic about her plan of frequent visits.
“Of course I am, Mommy,” I reply quickly when I think of the dream.
Ohhh the dream.
Haunting both my mom and me since 2007:
“I had a dream about you- you were in college. Please don’t let it come true.”
“Mom I’m in middle school…”
“But it was so real!! Please don’t ever let it come true!! Please!”
“Mom I’m like 10 I’m not going to college till like forever,”
“Don’t ever let it come true!!! Please, for me. Don’t ever let it come true!!”
I remember thinking it must have been pretty bad because she was freaking out so badly.
It was your birthday. I went and bought you all these presents and I baked you a cake. I didn’t tell you I was coming- I wanted to surprise you. I stood in front of your last class of the day waiting for you smiling ear to ear with my stomach flipped up-side down by the excitement swarming around inside me. I see you walk out the door and come closer and closer and then you see me…but you don’t smile. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” I exclaimed. “Mom what are you doing here,” you replied. “I made plans with my friends, why are you here,” you asked.
“You felt so bad when you got to your room and saw all your presents but I was already on my way home!!!!”
That part still makes my stomach drop, and 7 years later, I still feel guilt from something I never even did.
I love you way too much to ever not be happy to see you, Mama.
Maybe just not every weekend…
No but really, I’m not a kid anymore. I just wish you would realize it, but if you never do, then that’s okay too.
The least I can do for everything you have done for me is let you love me.
Thanks for always being there for me; I’ll always be there for you, too.
And by the way, I promise I won’t make your dream come true.